Easter for me holds a special place as it’s usually an extended family bash that is straight out of the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”.
Easter time is always a lunch, filled with fun Easter Egg hunts, long tables full of different people and plates filled with barbequed sausages with Oysters and seafood platters and new additions to the family. These cherubs are like the rock stars of the moment that bring constant joy to the family.
In the raptures of the family lunch I was surprised to see one of my wife’s extended family at the table and quitely eating her lunch on the adults table and not in the fold of the younger family members. It was then I realised the young man she had been dating wasn’t in tow.
“How’s things with you” I tentatively enquired?
She welcomed me with her usual smile, but no sparkle, and quickly turned her eyes back to her plate, although she looked at it as if she had lost her appetite.
After a few more very broad questions, she finally opened up. Hesitantly she told me she had recently split with her boyfriend.
“I honestly didn’t see it coming,” she said, “it didn’t seem real. He joined the gym so he would look good in a suit. Some how it all went wrong.The last few months he had changed so much, and I couldn’t see myself in a relationship with him anymore.” She said.
This tone wasn’t like her. She went on to tell me in the space of a few months, he went from being a doting boyfriend, working in a bank and going to the gym in the evenings, to wanting to be a Professional boxer and cage fighter. She blamed it squarely on the new friend he had met at the Gym – Mike the personal trainer. This local Gym turned out to be a toxic environment that had changed everything, for both her and for him.
After he joined the gym Mike the trainer introduced her boyfriend to a group who he said would help push him to meet his fitness goals.”I could see he was into this”, she said, “For the first time he was excited to be part of something new.” She raised her eyes up as she recanted this memory and she was struggling not to get emotional while she was at this Family event.
She went on to tell me her boyfriend was quickly introduced to a very Macho culture at the gym, where he was told he needed to compete to “get in the game” and was exposed to an abundance of supplements and available steroids. This environment shifted his whole personal perspective, from being a romantic introvert who loved nothing more than romantic getaways to the South Coast with her, to becoming moody, with out bursts of unpredictable behaviour where he was ready to take on anyone that stood in his way. This change she said, “was too much, too soon, too fast”.
She said, she believed the relationship she had with him, had been built on trust and would last forever. However, this had all been dissolved by the steroids he was putting into his body. “They fed his ego, but not his heart” she said.
I too, was amazed by this as the last time I had seen them together he was a twitchy nervous mess around her, desperately trying to please her. In a very short period of time he had become a difficult person, she explained to me.
Mike the trainer, she explained would text him, morning and night, demanding he be at the gym with the group.To excuse his changing behaviour he would put a lot of guilt on her, saying that her family was being too controlling, and that she was the problem. He said she needed to back off, as he deserved more time to be with his new friends.
This new culture was a raw experience she never saw coming. She felt she had been blindsided by him. What had been a very intimate relationship, where she was developing deep feelings was now being torn apart. She felt all her long term plans were being crushed by people she didn’t know.
She knew her Mother wouldn’t understand about his recent addiction to steroids so she kept it a secret from her.She felt cornered and was facing something very dark, that she didn’t know how to deal with. She tried to compromise, to make the relationship work again by meeting with him after the gym and skipping her evening Uni classes, just to be with him. But the more time she spent with him, the more it fed his ego and this just led to him becoming cold, blunt and distant when she was with him.
Very maturely, she told me she realised that half of the problem was hers, because she knew she was a people pleaser, she didn’t want to rock the boat. She knew she had always been that way. Setting boundaries was so foreign to her. Being strong and having her own point of view always felt like she was disappointing others.
She told me, that at the time she didn’t want to break up the relationship, but she was really torn.I could empathise, sometimes when things go wrong, situations and relationships can fall apart in ways we can’t explain, not even to ourselves.
She told me after he had booked a trip for just himself, to be with his new mates in Thailand for Kickboxing and cage fighting training, there was no going back.
It was out of her reach.
It was over.
Being a young teaching graduate with a recent placement in a good school, she knew no matter how shattered her heart was, she couldn’t just crumble and drop everything and leave. She told me she still had to earn her place in the education system, but she still needed a way out of this situation, and because of his off hand treatment of the relationship, she wanted change.
This was new territory she was in, this was not something she had ever demanded from herself before. She realised the fairy tale she had told herself in the past was over.
When she realised it was over and not just a moment in their relationship that they could work out, she was scared, and her life felt hollow and now cold. She had never cried over a relationship break down before, some days she said the emotions just took over her, and she found herself sobbing helplessly.
It was going to be difficult, not when she realised it was the end, not because of his self interests, but because she wanted more. More than he could ever give her.
She realised she wanted more than a new beginning. She wanted a new upgraded version of herself, to break out of her own self constraints.
She needed a bigger experience, something that would lead to a bigger future.
Sensing she was still in need, I asked her what she was going to do now?
She told me she had spoken to her mother, who had suggested they go on a Pacific Cruise together, this way they could both bond and have a good time and put these bitter memories behind them. However, she told me that she felt a Cruise was too soon and would bring back too many memories of what she had planned for them both for a romantic getaway.
She needed to make a clean break and to shake it off completely. She told me she wanted company, but without any judgement. She felt she needed to be somewhere distant, but familiar.
Being of Italian background, Italy was now on her mind. She revealed she was going to take a European Tour. In fact she said, she felt it was calling to her, like a mythical siren. It was somehow like a life line, it was how she made sense of all the chaos, and how she found meaning in her pain, and how she was now able to stay in her reality. The beauty of Italy was hers, he couldn’t take that away from her. Taking a European tour was the affair of the heart she needed, to feed her soul. This was going to be a pilgrimage to herself… to find her happy place. This was a place that went beyond the Rom Com Hollywood movies where the heroine always inadvertently finds her man, who was always able to protect her through out her misadventures. She no longer needed a man to validate her.
She told me she now wanted to feel something special, something that was hers.
She wasn’t looking for love, she wanted to learn how to make hand made pasta and this would give her a feeling of self contentment, a corner stone as it were, from where she could rebuild the trust within herself.
She told me, in her thoughts she could see every detail of her trip, from the authentic Italian Cucina in the hills of Tuscany with the charming Italian Grand mothers and their rolling pins, to the cobbled vibrant streets of Florence that are filled with fashion stores. She could see the busy markets where they sold hand made scarfs and crafted leather bags. And in the evenings she could see herself having drinks and dinner with her friends in the Piazzas that were filled with families and young children all enjoying their time together.
At this point I had realised how much this break up had made her grow up. She was now a young woman who had found a new inner strength which had now taken over her. This trip, she told me wasn’t just about the places — it was about joy.
With that she smiled and said “I love the quote – Travel is the only thing you can buy that makes you richer.”
She turned to me and said “I learnt a lot about myself in that relationship, and I have no regrets. But now he can stay in that cage and fight all he wants. I don’t want that to be part of my life, I just want to have the courage to be who I am and be free. Now I am looking forward to falling in love with Art, Pasta and Italy, where I can reclaim the better part of myself and be me.”
Often I have heard it said: “You won’t remember what people have said to you, but you will always remember how they made you feel.” I felt this the moment our small ferry slipped through the sea mist off the coast of France and the island of Jersey came into view. What I found there — in a tiny fishing village, on a sun-drenched beach, among people who wore their love for their island on their sleeves — changed the way I travel forever.
blog new stories “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow mindedness” – Mark Twain Today I would like to